Good-bye, Old Friend!

Rusty in the doggie carriage

Yesterday I had to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - put our family dog to sleep. Rusty was a 13 1/2 year-old Welsh Springer Spaniel and he had simply grown old. He had arthritis, he was deaf and he had some ailment that we could never identify. He had stopped eating and drinking. He could barely stand up or walk on his weak hind legs. But somehow, he would make it all the way to the creek-bed at the back of our property and lie in the mud. I felt like he was going there to die, but it wasn't his time yet. It reminded me of the Native American Grandfather, Old Lodge Skins, in the movie Little Big Man with Dustin Hoffman who plays Jack, Old Lodge Skins' adopted Caucasian son. Old Lodge Skins tells Jack, "Today is a good day to die." Then, according to Wikipedia:

Jack accompanies Old Lodge Skins to a nearby hill where the aged, weary leader decides to end his life. He offers his spirit to the Great Spirit, and lies down to wait for death. Instead, it begins to rain. Old Lodge Skins sighs and says, "Sometimes the magic works, and sometimes it doesn't". They return to his tepee to have dinner.

The Final Tour with our neighbors

Well, I had to be the one to make the magic work for Rusty and help him get there as easily and painlessly as possible. Unfortunately my husband was out-of-town, skiing with his buddies in Utah. Fortunately, my neighbors, who are dog-lovers and good friends, offered to go with me and Rusty to the vet. My neighbor, Marianne, told me about the Irish and Italian tradition of taking a deceased loved one around the neighborhood before burial. But she hoped that when it was her time, she would be shown the neighborhood before she passed and thought Rusty should be walked around the block one last time. I told her that Rusty didn't have the energy for a long walk, so another neighbor, Jay, offered to let us use his doggie carriage. So, with Marianne's dog, Spotacus, as the honor guard, Rusty had one more stroll around the block, remembering all his doggie friends that lived in the neighborhood.

Rusty was the cutest puppy ever!

Rusty was a sweet-natured and handsome boy with a white "heart" on his head and red freckles on his nose. Everybody who knew him loved him because he was so sweet and happy. His tail was always wagging and he was a bundle of energy. Even when he was older, people thought he was a puppy because of his playful, exuberant nature. Rusty was a people-dog. He loved to be with his family and often curled up under my desk as I was working.We've had him since he was a puppy, shipped on a plane from his breeders in Illinois. His father was a champion! My kids have grown up with him and will miss him terribly.

Thank you to all my neighbors and friends who reached out and helped me with this most difficult, but ultimately loving task. Last night, I asked my spirit guides for a message about Rusty. I had a dream in which I saw two horses, one white and one black, resting on a hilltop in a beautiful pastoral scene. Then I saw Rusty in the foreground, surrounded by light.  REST IN PEACE, GOOD BUDDY!

Love is the Nature of the Universe...

Image via Wikipedia...at least that's what my spirit guides told me. I had my annual New Year's reading from my favorite psychic, Katherine Glass. I won't share all the intimate details, but I will share some valuable advice from my spirit guides that I think applies to everyone. First of all, Katherine confirmed that two of my spirit guides are my mother and my sister, both of whom passed many years ago. Katherine says that they both continue to grow and evolve on the other side and that my mom is "way evolved over there." I know for sure that my mom was with me in the ER when I was diagnosed with bi-lateral lung embolisms. I could feel her presence hovering over me, watching out for me. Maybe she even led me to call my nephew who finally diagnosed me and possibly saved my life! My maternal grandmother showed up, too, to send me love and support.

So, here is some valuable advise that is both personal and universal. My spirit guides told me to HAVE HOPE. I'm at the end of an era of health issues. It is onward and upward from here. Over the next three years I should continue to heal physically, psychologically and spiritually. I need to let go of expectations and line up a support system of good friends who will be there for me like sisters. My mom told me to be patient. I am progressing, evolving and growing. Mom said, "Be patient, Honey."  Stop focusing on others and what I'm not getting and focus on myself and what I can get. I can't change anyone else, but I can change myself. My guides told me to live without trepidation and without focusing on the hardships. Turn a new leaf - have faith and believe; get playful, joyful. Do something creative and fun, like singing lessons, and do it without judgement or criticizing myself. Love and support myself. Stop struggling - relax and let go. Find peace in my conflicting mind. Know that my guides hold me, love me, and keep me safe, even in death. It is a huge relief to pass over, but it's not my time yet.

My guides told me that I have an innate wisdom. I know what to do and I should profoundly trust that. They said shine and everyone sees it. Be authentic - align with my true self and not my traumatized self (which is my New Year's resolution and wish for 2012). Align with your name and who you are. My mom named me Joy because joy is who I am. Open my consciousness and feel the bigness inside me. That's when the co-incidences, opportunities, happiness and smoothness happens. Connect to the Universe in love and gratitude, even in the grief. LOVE IS THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE. Use love as my motivation in everything - choose love over fear.

Image via Wikipedia

Byron Katie

I should ask my guides for guidance as they can help me greatly. My crown chakra is opening so that I am better able to receive guidance from the spirit world. My power chakra (belly) and my throat chakra are healing, clearing and getting more open. But I still have more to "say" in this lifetime and I need to speak my truth. Katherine said that singing creates vibrational healing throughout the body. But I need to sing with confidence. If I hold back, the notes won't come out right. She said, "There is incredible confidence to have your voice heard." Katherine suggested that I check out The Work of Byron Katie to help me with "the turn around" of fearful, depressing thoughts and return my mind to it's true peaceful and creative nature. She also suggested nourishing my pysical body with acupuncture, Chinese herbs and a tonic for continued lung support to get the physical foundation strong in support of the spiritual body.

Not bad advice for anybody on this planet :)

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I Can See Clearly Now...

Image by katerha via Flickr...is my theme song for 2012. On Monday I was driving to my health club (just like in my dream) with my daughter when "I Can See Clearly Now" came on the radio. I told my daughter that I love this song and started to sing along. But as I really listened to the words, I started to cry. After finally coming through my "lost" year, the lyrics were speaking right to my heart: I think I can make it now, the pain is gone; All of the bad feelings have disappeared; Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin' for... Then on Tuesday I was at my health club again waiting for my water aerobics class to start and the first song on the instructor's work-out mix was - you guessed it - I Can See Clearly Now! Of course, I sang along again, but this time I didn't cry, I just smiled. The instructor never uses the same music twice, so this song was a direct message from the Universe to me.

This goes out to all of you who have been prayin' for a rainbow after the rain:

I Can See Clearly Now
by Johnny Nash

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin' for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.



Lyrics | Johnny Nash - I Can See Clearly Now lyrics

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Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012!

Image via Wikipedia2011 was a pretty crappy year - for me, for the economy and for the world which suffered one natural disaster after another. But I had a dream this morning that indicates a better year ahead: I'm at the intersection where I must turn right to get to my health club, but the traffic light is at such a strange angle that I can't tell if it's green for me or for the traffic going the other way. Just as I realize that I HAVE THE GREEN LIGHT, I wake up...So, I'm interpreting my dream to mean that I finally have the green light to go in the RIGHT direction, not only toward good health in my body, but since my health club is named for Henry David Thoreau, one of New England's most celebrated authors, I'm headed in the right direction toward my creative health as well.

Back at the beginning of December, I wrote myself a letter with all my deepest wishes for my life. I am posting it here as my blessings for myself and for all of you in the coming year:

You find love and tenderness in all aspects of your life.
You are free of any negative influence of past traumas from this life or any other.
You are strong.
You sleep soundly and wake refreshed.
You embrace your womanhood or manhood in all its aspects and it is a source of joy and fulfillment in your life.
Your body is balanced and whole.
You move forward in joy without holding back.
Your creativity flows freely in all aspects of your life and brings you and others great joy and fulfillment.
You are safe and protected by the Divine Light at all times.
Your relationships are loving, safe, sacred and engender mutual trust.
You deeply love, respect, and accept yourself.
Your kharma is free and clear.
You give yourself up to the Divine in love and with an open heart.

Image via Wikipedia


 “Friends, they cherish one another’s hopes. They are kind to one another’s dreams.”
~ Henry David Thoreau

 

 

 

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The Gift of Visualization

A Healing Image: Secret Harbor Beach on St. Thomas

I've always been a visual person - I remember faces but not names; I have to write down a math problem in order to solve it and my subconscious sends me amazing images whether in waking dreams, sleeping dreams or shamanic journeys. But it wasn't until recently that I found that I could use that strength to help others.

Over Labor Day weekend, my 84-year-old father ended up in the hospital after passing a gal stone that inflamed his pancreas. His doctors suggested surgery to remove his gal bladder to prevent a similar situation in the future. I was visiting friends in Maine at the time and he was in a hospital in KC. Although I could only call him long distance, I wanted to help him as much as I could. I remembered some mind-body techniques that helped me tremendously when I was facing brain surgery several years ago that I learned from a book and CD by Peggy Huddleston called Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster. Huddleston's main theory is that going into surgery with a relaxed, positive state of mind helps one feel calmer before surgery, strengthen the immune system, use less pain medication and heal faster. My dad believed that it works because he remembered how calm I was before surgery and what a nervous wreck he was worrying about me. He said he would stay positive and try to relax.

Another technique that I borrowed from Huddleston was to ask my friends and family to send me healing thoughts on the morning of my surgery. When I asked my dad if it was okay for me to make the same request on his behalf, he said, "It couldn't hurt!" When I awoke on the morning of my dad's surgery, I tried to send him healing thoughts, but I couldn't get my mind to settle down. I tried to visualize him wrapped in a blanket of healing light, but other thoughts kept intruding. I was getting very frustrated, because this was so important to me.

Suddenly, I heard a voice inside my head say, "You have a gift - now use it!" Instantly, I was transported to the beach on St. Thomas where I went with friends for rest, relaxation and rejuvenation while healing from bi-lateral lung embolisms. I saw my dad and I on the beach together. I felt the healing warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze in my hair. I heard the relaxing sound of the surf and I saw the beautiful turquoise water. I called my dad before his surgery and told him about my vision of the two of us on the beach in St. Thomas. I wished him good luck and said good-bye.

His surgery went very well that afternoon and he recovered quickly. He didn't even need pain meds when he was in the recovery room! He had good color in his face, good spirits and was able to go home the following day. I called him at home to see how he was doing. He tells me, "So, I'm lying on the gurney (going into surgery) and I'm visualizing the two of us on the beach on St. Thomas." I said, "Really?" And he said, "Pardon my French - no shit, I really did!"

I was thrilled that not only did he take my advice to relax and stay positive before surgery, but he used the exact imagery that my subconscious had conjured up. I'm so happy that my gift for visualization could help someone I love.

My advice to all of you, is to buy Huddleston's book and CD, whether you have an upcoming surgery or not. The Relaxation/Healing CD contains a 20 minute guided visualization to help you relax and doesn't specifically mention surgery. Besides my brain surgery, I've used the guided relaxation for insomnia, menopause symptoms, anxiety, and, of course, fibromyalgia. Huddleston claims the CD (which can also be downloaded as an MP3 file) can help to:

• Reduce anxiety
• Treat insomnia
• Stop headaches
• Prepare for surgery
• Reduce chronic pain
• Speed healing
• Lessen the side effects of chemotherapy
• Feel calmer during procedures such as biopsy, endoscope, cardiac catheterization or MRI

Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster

Peggy Huddleston

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Joy's Got Her Groove Back

I'm calling the last twelve months my "lost" year. Not only did I loose all my time and energy in dealing with one health crisis after another, but I lost myself as well. I've been working diligently to reconnect with my personal power, to revive my creative drive and to remember who I really am - a Powerful Creative Being! I've gone on shamanic journeys to retrieve my soul. I've traveled to fun and exotic places to rejuvenate myself. I've worked with my therapist to face my fears and heal my emotional being. And I'm happy to report that it's paying off. I finally feel the call to create; I'm energized by my creative projects and I'm excited about what I'm working on. Let me give you two examples.

My illustration for "Rivkah and the Mice"

Last winter, my rabbi asked me to be on the editorial board to revive our synagogue's literary magazine, Lichora, which has been on hiatus for quite awhile. The board decided to get our first issue out in time for the High Holidays (which are quickly approaching). I wanted to write about the spiritual journey I've taken through my "lost" year, and I told the editor that I would submit an article. But I just didn't have it in me to write the damn thing. Then one morning I woke up and the whole thing came pouring out of me. Still, the rough draft sat on my desk for months. With the deadline looming, I decided it was time to face the empty page and write my article, which has been very cathartic. I could feel my excitement and energy returning as I worked on draft after draft. I also had fun collaborating with my son on a photographic illustration. I had the image in my mind, but not the computer skills to create it. Since my son is studying digital imaging at the College of Arts and Architecture at Penn State, he is a wiz with manipulating images on the computer. He was able to take my vision and make it a reality. As soon as he finishes refining the image, I'll be ready to submit my article and photo illustration to the board.

A few months ago, the leader of my writing critique group brought in an article from the Children's Writer newsletter called "Celebrating Jewish Identity in Books." The article listed the needs of several Jewish publishers and agents, which inspired me to resuscitate a story I had written years ago called "Rivkah and the Mice." Back in 2004, Rivkah won a writing contest for Best Picture Book. Part of the award was the chance for four editors, two from Jewish publishers and two from mainstream publishers, to review my manuscript and dummy for publication. I had such high hopes! But Rivkah received only rejections and she was relegated to the back of my basement. I was so disappointed that Rivkah may never become a full-color picture book for children. But now I'm hopeful again and I've had fun revisiting Rivkah and all the colorful characters in her village. Even if Rivkah receives rejections again, revisiting her has revived my hopeful, creative nature.

So, to recap: reviving Lichora and revisiting Rivkah has resuscitated my drive and reminded me of who I really am. How's that for alliteration?

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Soul Retrieval

With the help of my therapist, I continued my journey to balance and reintegrate those parts of myself that felt disconnected, such as my creative drive, my sense of self-worth and my personal power. My therapist suggested that a part of my soul split off when I had a terrible flare-up of fibro symptoms last fall that left me feeling like I was once again in a deep, black hole. Then I developed blood clots in my lungs on top of all that, and I've been crawling inch by inch out of the black hole ever since. The good news was that my soul had not traveled far and my therapist suggested a shamanic journey to retrieve it and reintegrate it into my body.

To begin the journey I closed my eyes and settled into a comfortable position as she drummed. Soon I saw myself crawl out of the black hole and stand on solid ground. One of my totems, Horse, came to me and offered a ride. I climbed on Horse's back and we traveled over the flat plains until we reached a hill overlooking a valley. Horse stopped and pawed the ground and I knew I had to continue on my own. I got off Horse's back and walked into a woods. I pushed back branches until I came upon a clearing with a pool of water. I recognized it as the same place I had first met my power totem, Jaguar, many years ago. Jaguar represents reclaiming your personal power, which is exactly what I needed to do now. Then I saw Jaguar walk out of the woods on the opposite side of the pool and stop to drink from the clear water. I jumped into Jaguar and the two of us became one. I could feel Jaguar's powerful muscles as he walked back into the woods. Finally we stopped on the top of a hill under the moonlight. Jaguar sat down and licked his paws.  I wondered where we would go next. I thought about the beginning of my journey and crawling out of the black hole. Jaguar told me not to look back to the pit - the past was over.

When Jaguar continued we walked through a white mist. I saw Jaguar from above and now I was riding on Jaguar's back. I could still feel the powerful muscles as Jaguar slunk through the mist. I felt pulled forward and to the left as I listened to the drumming. I remembered that this was the direction that I had shot an arrow in a previous vision. I wasn't ready to follow the arrow at the time, but now I realized that the arrow was the part of my soul that I had sent away to be safe until I was strong enough to retrieve it. I felt the presence of a young woman in white. She drew us to a clearing in the mist filled with light. I stood in the light with my arms open wide, face turned up, eyes closed. The light filled me and surrounded me. I could sense the woman, my soul, rejoin me and become part of me again. I was worried about holding onto this slippery soul but I was told that I couldn't hold onto her. A voice said: don't worry about the future or look back to the past; stand here in the moment, in the light, and if you ever loose your way again, jaguar will always show you the way back. I felt myself rising up. I saw Jaguar from above again. Jaguar got smaller and smaller as I rose higher and higher. I thanked Jaguar for showing up and for showing me the way back to myself again. Then I opened my eyes and returned to the present world.

The next morning I awoke feeling vaguely anxious. I closed my eyes and put myself back into the clearing of light. I felt calm, centered and whole again. I knew that if I ever felt disconnected or lost again, the clearing of light is there to help me recenter and balance myself.

Just Breathe for Balance

I've been out-of-sorts lately, still healing from the turmoil of the past year. I'm out of balance and out of touch with parts of myself, such as my creative drive, my personal power and my sense of self-worth. I knew that I needed to bring all these disparate parts of myself back into balance, but I didn't know how to go about doing that. I asked my Higher Self for direction and I received a very powerful waking vision:

I'm standing in a white room wearing a long, flowing white gown. There are four doors in front of me. Although I'm not close enough to physically open them, I open the doors with my mind, my energy. I start with the door farthest on the left. As it begins to open I wonder who I will see on the other side. But it's not a person. I see a blue sky with puffy, white clouds. I open the next door and see a pale, purple light. The next door reveals a night sky with stars and the behind the last door is black darkness. I raise my arms to shoulder height and face my palms toward the doors. The light energy from the two doors on the left go to my left hand and the dark energy from the doors on the right go to my right hand. Neither energy is good or bad, but like Yin and Yang, they are two halves of one whole. I close my palms together in a prayer position over my heart chakra to integrate the light and darkness.

Then I see a trap door in the floor in front of me. I open it and it is filled with white light. I hear a voice say, "Jump!" I hesitate on the threshold, too scared to jump through. But I gather my courage and leap into the opening. I land in a crouched position on a stone walkway, which cracks with the impact. I feel powerful and strong. I hear, "Like a cat, I always land on my feet." I stand up and there is a quiver of arrows on my back and a bow in my hand. I load an arrow, take aim and shoot. The bow turns into a bird and flies away. I'm not sure which direction to go - perhaps I will follow the arrow but perhaps not. I decide not to decide just yet. I can come back to this place when I'm ready. I hear a voice sing to me, "Breathe, just breathe..."

I shared my vision with my Dream Circle. Their advice was to follow what my vision told me and just breathe. Honestly, after fighting through a cold for the last few days, it feels great to be able to breathe freely again. Breath is life. We can go for days without food and water but only a few minutes without taking a breath. Focusing on my breath is focusing on my life. And that is the first step in truly living!

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Follow Your Bliss or The Devil Made Me Do It!

The Devil

I celebrated my birthday last week - a New Year, a New Beginning. Since the past year was pretty crappy, it can only get better, right? Still, I wanted to know: Where do I go from here? And the Universe answered: Follow your bliss! I happened to meet with my Dream Circle on my actual birthday (I brought delicious vegan, gluten-free cupcakes made from Pamela's chocolate cake mix). Since the majority of us have June birthdays, we decided to pull tarot cards as a portent of the year ahead for each of us. We used the Thoth tarot cards, a beautiful deck with multi-layered, cross-cultural symbols. I held my intention in my mind (where do I go from here?) as I chose a card from the deck. I pulled The Devil! The central image on the card was a smirking goat with long, curly horns and a third eye. We passed the card around the circle and each person gave me her impressions from the images on the card. But I still wasn't sure how The Devil pertained to me and where to go in the year ahead.

So when I got home, I consulted a reference book on the Thoth deck by Angeles Arrien called The Tarot Handbook. Arrien's interpretation of The Devil is: Mirth/humor at what "Bedevils" us. The smirking goat is also a symbol of Pan, that cheeky Greek God of Merriment and Sensuality, who unfortunately was demonized when monotheism took over paganism in the Middle Ages, thus becoming the Devil. He represents the "need to hold onto mirth, stability and centeredness to face our problems so we won't be thrown off balance."

Well, I've certainly faced plenty of things that bedeviled me this past year, and it has definitely thrown me off balance. I lost part of myself in the process as well as lost track of who I really am - a creative, vibrant, powerful woman! Luckily, there's another clue on The Devil card to help me regain that balance. Underneath the smirking goat are two testicles/ovaries that represent the "creative power within us that wants to be expressed with mirth and tangibility." It is important to follow what we are drawn toward or what inspires us in order to evoke unlimited creative energies within us that want to be expressed. Which reminded me of reconnecting with one of my favorite aritsts, Wolf Kahn, during my visit to Vermont for the Strolling of the Heifers. After my trip, I pulled a book of his postcards off my shelf that had just been gathering dust. I decided to frame them and hang them on the wall where I can be inspired by the lusciousness of his colors and the peace of his joyful landscapes. Being inspired and surrounded by Kahn's art will stir the creative energies within me to be able to express my own art!

Arrien says that The Devil represents "the reclamation of joy and the recommittment to that which inspires and uplifts us." Well, I am reclaiming Joy, both myself - Joy with a capitol "J" - and my happiness - joy with a small "j" - and I am recommitting myself to all that inspires and uplifts me.

So, when you are bedeviled by something, remember the smirking goat and try to find the humor in the situation. And if you do get thrown off balance, just follow your bliss and you will regain yourself once again.

My Dream Literally Came True!

My "dream" studio under construction in the real world!

Have you ever had something from your dream life become manifest in your waking life? That's what happened to me a few weeks ago after my Tai Chi class. The hospital that hosts our class is building a new Health and Wellness Center, including a studio with a mirror for Tai Chi and QiGong classes. Our class was invited to check out the new center which was still under construction, so I did. There was a nice reception area with a hallway back to the conference rooms and classrooms. I found a studio with a full mirror on one wall so I knew it was the place. I walked in and saw a room that looked exactly like a studio I had dreamed about! I was so amazed that I snapped a few photos with my cell phone to capture the scene. I shared the photos with my Dream Circle, and they were amazed at how prophetic my dream had been.

Let me back up a little bit and share the sequence of dreams that led to my "dream" studio. On March 17, 2011 I had a dream that I titled "Making Room." In the dream, I'm staying in a ritzy hotel suite and my parents are in the suite next door. I want to move the wall forward by three feet, so the manager comes to my room to look at the wall. I tell her that if we move the wall there will be a space between the rooms. The manager opens a door on the wall that reveals a space that already exists between the two suites. It's a dark, interior space and I can see the framing behind the walls. I tell my mom, "You know, by the time they even start working on moving the wall, we'll be gone."

I was curious about that dark, hidden, womb-like space. It seemed connected to my interior life, my creative life, which I've been wanting to expand (perhaps by three feet?). On March 26, I woke at 4:00 a.m. and decided to find out more. I closed my eyes and put myself into the dark, hidden space between the two rooms and asked some direct questions:

Q: What am I supposed to do in here?

A: It's not about doing, it's about being.

Q: Then what am I supposed to be in here?

A: I saw a quick flash of another interior room that felt like an artist's basement studio. There was a sink and cabinets on the back wall and a window on the right. It was furnished with a table and chairs on one side and a sitting area on the other. I got up and jotted down the floor plan - which, lo and behold, looks exactly like the new Tai Chi studio! I was especially struck with the wall of cabinets (see photo below) that was arranged exactly like my dream with the sink on the left, cabinets overhead, a floor-to-ceiling cabinet on the right, and a window on the perpendicular wall. All the real room needed was some furniture to be a direct match with my dream studio.

This is the room all about "being" and not "doing" just as my Higher Self instructed me. Here I will practice Tai Chi, the goal of which is to be in the moment and become "nothing." This is the state most conducive to creativity and well-being. A message my Dream Source was wise to send me! As far as my creative life, I've decided to just "let it be." When the time is right, it will come back in full force, better than before.

Where Did My Mojo Go?

CinderYella meets her Fella

The tumult of the last six months has subsided and in many ways my life has returned to "normal" (which for someone with fibro means dealing with aches and pains, flagging energy and brain fog, but that's been my new normal for a long time now). The fibro flare-ups and hot flashes have cooled off; the extreme sleep disturbances have calmed down and the depression and anxiety have abated. However, other parts of my life have not returned to normal. The creative fire has been dampened and refuses to reignite. Characters from my books used to speak to me, insisting that I put their words on paper. Stories came to me in my dreams and I was compelled to write them down upon awakening. Landscapes unrolled before me, calling me to capture them with my watercolors. Now it's all gone - no speaking, no calling, no creative compulsion. I suppose I should be grateful for the respite. The creative life can be as frustrating and depressing as it is fulfilling and inspiring.

There have been times in my life when my libido completely dried up. I could remember that I used to enjoy sex, but I could have cared less if I ever had it again. That's exactly how I feel now about my creative drive. I know I used to gain tremendous enjoyment from it, but now it doesn't matter if I ever write another story or pick up another paint brush. I just know that isn't "normal" for me. Eventually my libido bounced back and I can only hope the same will be true of my creative mojo. I've been thinking that I should get back into The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It really got the creative fires burning a few years back. But I can't even get up enough motivation to do that!

Sigh...if time heals all wounds, then I guess I need more time to heal all of mine.

The Old Man in the Mountain

I hadn't been dreaming much since discovering that I have blood clots in my lungs, going to the hospital via ambulance and starting treatment with blood thinners. I was pretty shaken up by the whole ordeal, so I asked my Dream Source to send me a dream or an image about where I am in my life's journey right now. My Dream Source delivered both a short dream and a quick image that conveyed a message of hope.

In my dream, I saw a large book with a plain cover on top of a pile of clothes in my bedroom. I picked up the book which was filled with blank, lined pages. I realized that it is the Book of Life and that there are many more pages for me to fill. I got the sense that life is a three act play and that I'm still in the middle act. As I turned the pages, there were beautiful, landscape photographs. The one I remember most clearly showed snow covered evergreens on a mountain top. Toward the end of the book was a photograph of the Old Man in the Mountain, and I knew that eventually I will reach old age, but I haven't gotten there yet. I'm still climbing up the mountain.


Then I had a quick image of looking down a very long flight of stairs. The staircase was outdoors with wide, stone steps and landings. Looking down, I could see how far I've come.


The two dreams were like bookends, showing me both the future and the past. I could see how far I've come, but there is more life to live, more laundry left to do! I'm at the end of the middle act of life and there is yet one more act to come. So stay tuned, fellow travelers. Let's climb up the mountain together and see where it leads.

Put Out the Fire: Fibromyalgia Flare-ups

Fibromyalgia, like a fire, burns whoever, whenever and wherever it can. Like a wildfire, FM can strike unexpectedly, at any time. But how do you put out the fire?

When a major flare-up hit me this fall, I had a dream that I was working at a daycare center when a small fire broke out behind the building. None of the teachers knew how to react or what to do. I shouted at them to get the children out and send them home. Then I grabbed a fire extinguisher and ran outside. I put out the fire but the ground was still hot and flames would start spontaneously. I kept putting out the flames and eventually disaster was averted. However, one of the fathers was irate because he had to come and pick up his child and demanded to know the protocol for emergencies. I was angry with the owner of the daycare for not having a policy for dealing with emergencies.

When I woke up, I was struck by the message: Put out the fire! I had to put out the fibro flare-up before it raged out of control. The women in my dream circle asked me what kind of policies I needed put into place for emergencies, in my dream as well as waking life.

Here is the list I came up with:

1. Sound the alarm - Listen to your body. My body was sounding the alarm loud and clear through extreme fatigue, flu-like aches and pains as well as acute depression and anxiety.
2. Evaluate and Evacuate - Evaluate how extensive the "fire" is. Do you need supplements or heavy-duty drugs? Make sure all your "children," whether emotional, physical or mental parts of yourself, are out of harm's way as soon as possible. 
3. Call for help - Don't be afraid to ask for help. Within a week of the flare-up, I had called on my doctor, my therapist, my acupuncturist and my dream circle for help.
4. Notify loved ones - I told my family and friends what was happening to me so I could get the help and support I needed.
5. Douse the flames - Deal with the flare-up before it becomes a conflagration. Through supplements, acupuncture, hot baths, good sleep hygiene, meditation and lots of love and support, I kept putting out the flames until they didn't come back anymore.

When Tigers Appear, Adventure is Near

Tigers have been stalking my dreams, both waking and sleeping, for the last few weeks. According to Animal Speak by Ted Andrews, tigers symbolize passion, power, devotion and sensuality. If a tiger enters your life, new adventures will begin within the next 6 to 8 weeks, and it will reawaken your passion and power.

If tiger has shown up, there will begin to manifest new adventures and renewed devotion and  passion for life. ~ Ted Andrews

M/Y/D/S Animal graphics

Andrews asks: Do you need more passion for life? Has your energy been down? The answer is a resounding YES and YES!

Even during the summer when I was feeling great physically, I noticed that my passion for life was sub-par. Things that usually bring me joy, such as painting en plein air (outdoors), left me bored and uninterested. Then I had the mother of all fibro flare-ups this fall followed by a series of painful episodes beyond the fibromyalgia, from a stiff neck to excruciating back pain to barely being able to walk on my right foot.

But I fought like a tiger, scratching and clawing my way out of the pit and back into the light. Here are some of the weapons in my arsenal: SAM-e and 5-HTP elevated my mood and regulated my sleep without having to resort to prescription medications; meditation combated the anxiety; acupuncture, chiropractic adjustments and physical therapy helped alleviate the pain.

Now I'm ready to reawaken passion in my life.
I'm ready for a renewed devotion to my creative work.
I'm ready for adventure.

BRING ON THE TIGERS!